Why Can’t I Stop People-Pleasing? A Psychoanalytic Look at Authenticity

Introduction
Many of us spend years saying “yes” when we mean “no,” swallowing our truth to keep others comfortable. Over time, the weight of this pattern becomes exhausting—yet breaking free feels impossible. Why is people-pleasing so hard to overcome?

Psychoanalytic theory suggests that people-pleasing isn’t just a habit; it’s often a survival strategy rooted in our earliest relationships. Understanding where this pattern comes from can be the first step toward reclaiming your voice.

1. The Roots of People-Pleasing: A Freudian Perspective

Sigmund Freud proposed that childhood experiences shape our adult behaviors through unconscious defenses. For example:

• If we learned early that love was conditional (e.g., “I’m only valued when I make others happy”), our psyche may equate self-sacrifice with safety.

• Telling the truth might feel dangerous because, deep down, we fear rejection—a leftover instinct from a time when we depended on others for survival.

This isn’t a personal failing; it’s an adaptation. But as adults, that same strategy becomes a cage.

2. The Superego’s Tyranny

Psychoanalysis describes the superego—the inner critic that absorbs societal and parental rules. A harsh superego can:

• Punish us with guilt when we prioritize our own needs.

• Mistake authenticity for “selfishness,” trapping us in a cycle of performance rather than genuine living.

Example: Declining an invitation might trigger disproportionate shame, as if we’ve violated an unspoken law.

3. Breaking the Cycle: From Defense to Freedom

Change begins with curiosity, not self-blame. Psychoanalytic therapy helps by:

• Uncovering the origins: Exploring early memories where we learned to mute our truth—was there a caregiver who couldn’t handle emotions? A time when honesty backfired?

• Separating past from present: Childhood strategies were necessary then, but now, we can choose new tools.

• Practicing discomfort: Each small “no” rewires the brain. Initially, it feels terrifying (the superego will protest!), but with time, the guilt lessens.

4. Truth-Telling and the “Holding Environment”

Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott emphasized that authenticity requires safety. A therapeutic space acts as a “holding environment”—somewhere to experiment with vulnerability without fear of collapse.

This isn’t about burning bridges; it’s about discovering who can handle the real you.

Final Thoughts

The desire to stop people-pleasing isn’t just about setting boundaries—it’s a profound reclaiming of self. Every time we honor our truth, we dismantle an old system that no longer serves us.

If this resonates, know that change is possible. With insight and support, you can move from performative relationships to ones where you’re truly seen.